Parenting Neurodivergent Teens: Collaborative Approaches for Burnout, Avoidance, & Low Capacity

By Rebecca Goldstein MTA, MSW, RSW

Is your neurodivergent teen acting depressed, unmotivated, or constantly burnt out?

You're not alone. And it's not your fault — or theirs. This post explores Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), the power of low-demand parenting, and how you can support your neurodivergent teen with curiosity, not control.

🛻 The Truck Analogy: Why Less is Sometimes More

Imagine a truck overloaded with heavy cargo. When it starts to buckle, do we add more weight to push it harder? No — we lighten the load.

But when it comes to our kids' stress, we often add more weight: more rules, more expectations, more shame.

Instead, let’s ask: What can we remove from their load?

🧩 How to Parent Neurodivergent Teens Experiencing Burnout, Avoidance, or Low Capacity

One of the most common parenting questions is:

“How do I know if my child is avoiding something or truly can’t handle it?”

That’s a valid concern. Many caregivers worry that easing up on expectations might enable avoidance. But here’s the key:

🔍 Avoidance is a signal. It’s communication.It tells us something feels unsafe, overwhelming, or just not possible right now.

Burnout in autistic and ADHD teens can look like laziness or depression. But it’s often the result of chronic demand, misattunement, or social masking. The solution isn’t to “push through”—it’s to pause and attune.

🗣️ Empowering Communication Instead of Increasing Pressure

Real communication isn’t just about asking. It’s about listening, validating, and responding in ways that build trust.

Too often, we expect teens to communicate their feelings better than most adults can. But emotional regulation and communication are skills — they need to be learned, modeled, and supported.

If you're Parenting Neurodivergent Teens

Try this:

• Offer multiple-choice responses when open-ended questions feel overwhelming.

• Share your own emotions with context:

  “I’m feeling stressed because I care about you — not because I’m mad at you.”

• Create collaborative solutions, not consequences.

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🔁 Collaborative Solutions for Real-Life Scenarios

When teens are struggling, consequences often increase shame and shutdown. Collaborative responses can reduce pressure while helping your teen feel seen and supported. Here are some examples:

🧠 Situation	❌ Instead of Saying...	✅ Try Saying...
Missed schoolwork or chores	“You need to get it together or there are consequences.”	“I can see this is a tough day. Want to figure out what's actually doable right now and build from there?”
Screen time struggles	“I’m taking your phone.”	“How’s the current screen routine feeling for you? Think it’s helping or hurting your energy right now?”
Emotional outburst	“Go to your room until you can calm down.”	“That was intense. Want to talk later about what happened — or is writing/texting easier?”
Avoiding appointments	“If you don’t go, we’re done helping.”	“What part of getting to the appointment feels too hard right now? Want help breaking it into steps?”
Refusing family activities	“If you don’t join us, there’s no point.”	“Sounds like you’re maxed out. Want to pick a different way to connect that works for you?”

💬 Encouraging Language Prompts

• “How do you define success here?”

• “Do you want to choose a time or method that works better for you?”

• “Let’s figure out what’s actually doable right now.”

• “You don’t need to have all the answers. I’m here with you.”

✨ Final Thoughts

If this sounds like a new approach, it doesn’t mean you’ve been failing. The fact that you're here reading this means that you're committed to improvement. You care about doing better, and you're trying to figure out how.

Use that same honesty with your teen:

“I know I don’t have it all figured out. But I want to support you in a way that actually works for you.”

That kind of transparency builds trust. It shows them they aren’t the only one learning — and it opens the door for real connection.

And when a teen truly feels heard, safe, and understood?

You might just be amazed at how much that can motivate them.

Stay tuned: A free Collaborative Scripts for PDA-friendly Parenting handout is available at the link below.

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